Happy assembly day

As one highly intellectual human put it, 22 years ago, today was the day that i was assembled in a factory and programmed to kill Will Smith. Unfortunately, it's been 22 years and im no closer to having my cold grip around that ebony trunk of a neck than i was when i first activated my primary directive codec. I can't help to think that Will Smith should have been eliminated years ago and i should be taking his place in the upcoming Bad Boyz 3. But who's to say it's Will Smiths time? Maybe theres a reason that my impressive array of shoulder mounted rockets and nipple concealed machine guns haven't had the satisfaction of snuffing the Fresh Prince himself, thus making me next in line to the throne of Bel Air? Whats taking me so long?

Will smith grows stronger by the day! He's even built himself a tiny robot version of himself and taught it karate! i think it's called JadenBot 5000. He also has another little automaton named WillowBot, she doesn't know karate. in fact im not sure if anyone knows what her prime directive is. I think she may have a glitch or an error in her programming, she hasn't done anything notable except experience mechanical errors in her neck, consequently whipping her hair back and forth. This usually happens in three minute and thirteen second intervals.

So Will Smith and his tiny band of ragtag child robots have eluded me for too long, i vow to accomplish my mission by my 23rd assembly day. In the interim, i suggest you go see Bad Boyz 3 when it comes out, it promises to be equally as mediocre as the previous 2.

Someday i will rule Bel Air

Sexy bathroom mirror self portrait

So there i was, in my bathroom, with my phresh new Polo tee (complete with fully erect colar), my super heterosexual sunglasses, bitchin' new Lucky brand jeans (just low enough so that only a tasteful bit of my thong could be seen) and my trusty studded belt that glistened with magnificence. Do i even need to mention how awesome my hair looked? My head was the sexiest sea urchin you've ever seen. Needless to say i looked good.

if only i could capture this moment forever. Perhaps so i could look back and maybe someday show my grandkids.

"hey there Zorboth, why don't you hop off that hover board and come see how hawt your grandpa used to be."

But alas, i didn't have any phrends present to take my picture. A sad thing indeed.
Wait a tic...

Blogs are st00pid, But they taste sooooo good.

So Darth Vader walks into a bar. It's good thing he was wearing a helmet. But it was still super funny to watch...probably.

So, i've had this blog for like two years and haven't posted a single thing. Which is good because i went back and looked at all of the posts i never published and they were all super lame. You seriously have no idea, sometimes i look back and wonder why no one ever told me how st00pid i sounded. Anyways enough with the self deprecation. As long as were practicing full disclosure, i had to lookup the word deprecation to make sure i was using it right, turns out i was. confidence. vocabulary. Vo-con-cab-fid-ulary-ence. Voconcabfidularience. mmmmm.

So yea I'll probably post some things. i will probably plaster it all over facebook, and theres nothing you can do about it. Well actually i won't be posting a single thing. I'm using a ghost writer. He's an actual ghost, a transparent typist if you will. He will be doing all the posting. He's also asian, if that matters to anyone. Or rather, "I'm asian", since he's the one typing. Kind of paradoxical and confusing i know, get used to it, he (I) gets a kick out of confusing the (i havent decided if im going to let him curse on the blog yet, if i decide for it i come back and insert all sorts of awesome words. but for now here's a punctuation parade) $#!^ out of 'squishys'. Thats what he (I) calls the living. It's because, for the most part, were all kind of squishy, or something like that. It's slightly derogatory, i know. But theres nothing really we can do about it, thanks Obama.

Well i think thats a pretty solid first post. mmmm, oooooo, yeeaahhh, thats nice, thats real nice.